I feel like its time to admit a simple truth: without even my feeble understanding of grace, I would have exploded tonight. I would have destroyed things that mean so much to me because of my anger and frustration and selfishness. I still might. But I continue to look to Christ this time. If I don't call on him now, then when will I? I don't like to talk about God a whole lot. I don't like to talk about him sitting in my heart, because that's too irrational. I can't explain love. I can't explain why people do the things they do. But I am starting to get a serious hint; that I do understand something.
All of this makes no sense. Now that I can understand that, the logic can again resume. Everyone makes their own decisions, even when it hurts.
What do you say to something that rips your heart out? To something that makes no rational sense? All I can think of is thank you. I guess at the end of everything, good is good because we've been through the bad. A good taste in your mouth is only understood if you've tasted something awful. Love is understood, in all of its awe and intensity, only after leaving yourself exposed and paying for it. Time and time again.
Grace. Makes all of this bearable. Resting in the presence of my creator, and understanding, for the first time, maybe how God may feel when I choose not to love Him. Yet He continues to love me, even though it isn't exactly returned. In the face of everything I'm starting to get this now. Even though I don't even understand why He loves me in the first place.
A tired man on a tired path.
Carries his heart on his sleeve.
He continues to love and to believe,
Even when everything remains to be seen.
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